It’s C here, Lizzy’s husband. I’m writing this note to hopefully help couples out there not make similar mistakes that I, we, recently made. This isn’t necessarily a sexy note, but it’s probably worth a read if you are in the “lifestyle”. It’s honest, cringeworthy and quite long so grab your cup and settle in. This is about an issue that we encountered recently and insecurity/jealousy, although I’m not sure that’s the correct description, you can decide.
We recently went to our usual club and had arranged to meet a guy we had played with before at the Harem night, “T”. Our last meeting with him was really good and we all had a lot of fun. There were no issues, he was a cool guy and knew the ropes, Lizzy and I were looking forward to another meeting with him.
This night was a little different though in that Lizzy had organized a surprise erotic massage for me in the room before the evening kicked off, my first experience with another woman in 20(!) years. It was great and is a story for another day, however the important thing here is that alcohol started flowing pretty early in the afternoon, so by the time we left for the club, I was already more than a little “warm” (Mistake No.1)
The night started well, at the bar as usual, it was an MFM themed night, a big crowd and the erotic anticipation was palpable. Lizzy did a sexy show for us on the pole and had her top and underwear off fairly quickly, just wearing a small mini skirt. She was getting a lot of attention from all angles by this stage which I enjoyed. Tequilas were also flowing strongly, see mistake No 1. We decided to move the party to the voyeur room around two hours later, it has about 5 beds and a one way mirror so people can watch from outside.
As we got to the room T and Lizzy had their clothes off in a flash and were on the bed kissing while I was still undressing. I was a bit taken aback as it’s usually a more involved start between all three of us, but I thought ok, this is a chance for me to see what it would be like to step out and watch Lizzy alone, one of my long time fantasies. I left the room (Mistake No.2) and watched through the mirror. In the beginning it was really hot and I was hard as a rock watching, but it slowly dawned on me that Lizzy was pretty much unaware of my absence (in my mind to a degree) and I quickly started feeling uncomfortable, so I moved back into the room. I sat down next to them but by now had lost my erection. Lizzy grabbed me but was in the middle of an orgasm so lost focus and pulled away. I misunderstood this and took it that she was sidelining me. Due to the copious alcohol intake and mounting discomfort I wasn’t fully erect again and, feeling left out and not a little embarrassed due to the growing audience (Lizzy is really “enthusiastic” in bed and makes it widely known that she is having fun, which I totally love). I didn’t say anything and moved away to another bed and continued watching (Mistake No 3), the perceived issue now blossoming in my mind. Lizzy and T carried on, blissfully unaware of the developing problem. As they finished, laughing and catching their breath, I walked past them and gathered up my clothes, leaving the room alone, see mistake No.3.
We were staying at the club so we went to our room and proceeded to have a huge argument, only really talking about it lucidly the next morning. As far as the events of the night, we discussed and sorted it out pretty quickly, but what I want to discuss is why I felt that way and how to avoid it happening again, as well as possibly help someone else avoid a similar event. It was an unpleasant end to the evening and I was embarrassed by the whole thing as it was pretty obvious to our friends that there had been a problem of sorts.
Sometimes in previous meets one of us has done something the other one wasn’t 100% comfortable with, but we’ve raised it and resolved it every time, this is absolutely going to happen during your journey. Remember you don’t get a manual when you start this, you kind of make your way and correct mistakes as they happen. It’s the intention behind the mistake and how you deal with it that is important.
Firstly, to make it clear, this is not our first rodeo. We have had a number of meetings with guys for MFM fun over the last three years, one including three guys and Lizzy. We choose to meet and enjoy single men, often at my instigation. I love to watch my wife lost in pleasure and join in. I find it incredibly erotic and it does not make me jealous. In fact I’m not even sure the issue above felt like jealousy. I don’t know how to explain it but, at a loss for better wording, it was the feeling of being left out, in other words this wasn’t about us any more, it had become an individual experience for Lizzy which we hadn’t agreed to. That and my own insecurity was the issue, never mind the 50 000 tequilas.
This was the first time however that I felt properly left out. I get it that Lizzy was solidly in the moment, but I was excluded right from the beginning (unintentionally I now know) and this made me uncomfortable, I know that sounds a bit whiny, but it is what it is. Combined with my mistakes outlined above, this was a recipe for disaster. I should have done a lot of things and Lizzy should have done one thing.
So some tips that, in our opinion, should be taken on board and remembered.
- Always remember that this is for you and your partner. You are playing jointly for each others benefit and not alone, unless that is the plan from the beginning. Include your partner through touch, eye contact and verbally.
- Be aware of what your partner is doing. Their happiness or comfort is not your responsibility, but at least try and be aware of what they are doing and their body language, within your set rules or parameters.
- Limit alcohol. Really, do this. It leads to bad decisions and behaviour at worst and at best your memory of a good evening is blurred. Keep it social.
- Never “try something new” that you think might work in an environment like this, at the spur of the moment. Rather discuss and plan that action properly so that if it doesn’t work you have an agreed strategy to deal with it.
- Have a set word or pre-agreed action which communicates clearly to your partner that you are uncomfortable. I didn’t do this because I felt I didn’t want to be “that guy” stopping the fun, again an ego issue. It should be a fairly innocuous word or action so nobody feels like they are the fun police. Your partner should immediately stop, without argument, and reset somewhere until everyone is comfortable again.
- SAY SOMETHING! Communicate with your partner. The entire issue could have been avoided and a very nice evening enjoyed with just a few words difference, I really regret not simply saying something.
I’m sure there’s a ton of good advice I’ve left out, but hey, we’re also learning here. Communication is key and as almost everything in this lifestyle, even this issue has brought us closer and given us a better understanding of one another and how we think.
Thanks for reading, hopefully it wasn’t too depressing. We have an erotic photoshoot and possible visit planned for Friday night, so our next post will be something erotic involving sexy pictures and single men, well we hope…. Stay tuned.
I feel my perspective should also be added to C’s blog above. His account is honest and heartfelt and reading it one would assume that blame lies solely at his door and to be honest during the arguments that ensued after that night its what I thought. My constant defence was ‘but I assumed you wanted to set yourself apart, I assumed it was your fantasy to separate yourself. My mistake # 1… I assumed!
Our first major argument in the lifestyle, communication had broken down. I was so proud and comfortable about how far we had come as a couple, and how we were able to talk about anything, until that night. Little had I known that we were so comfortable because we had never been put to the test like this before. Look how awesome and untouchable we were, I thought. This was shattered in one evening – how could I ever enjoy this lifestyle again I thought. How could I trust the lifestyle now, how could I trust it would bring us closer again? I realise now how much of an important learning curve it was and a journey which had to be traveled in order for us to continue growing closer together.
I was so focused on this communication break down that I never stopped to realise that I have broken the first most important rule of our playing relationship. “Your partner is always number one in the room, make sure they are priority before you have fun”. Mistake # 2 and the biggest mistake of alI, in actual fact, I was the one who also did not communicate – truth be told, I got caught up in my own pleasure, I never took the time to ask C what he needed and wanted.
I failed to communicate, to ask – I just assumed. This is something you can never do on behalf of another person. One simple question, one simple moment could have changed the entire evening.
I have come to realise how much this lifestyle has to offer, we grow every day – with the good or bad we grow as a couple. This lifestyle has brought us closer as a couple. Yes, if I had it over I would change the entire evening and have it differently – but then we would never have grown, we would never have put our rules to the test and now learnt so much more about the special bond we share with each other.